Monday, January 31, 2011

You like coffee? INFIDEL!

I hope you enjoyed your morning cup or your afternoon pick me up, or your evening brew.  Because you’re totally un-American. 
Yeah that’s right…coffee is Middle Eastern.   In fact, and it’s FACT, from 800 A.D. to 1400 A.D., coffee was so popular throughout the Middle East that some marriage contracts required that a husband supply his wife with an adequate allotment of coffee per month, or else she had *GROUNDS* for divorce.
Sometime in the late 1500’s coffee made its way to Pope Clement VII, who was curious about the “devil’s brew” (Muslims have been towing this terrorist line for quite some time as it turns out) and upon LOVING IT, decided that there was no reason for the infidels to have all the fun.  With a short trip to the Baptismal Font, coffee became free of sin for all of us!
So really, it’s tough to be a true American while drinking your Cuppa Joe, or better named:  Cuppa Jihad.  A true patriot grinds up Yaupon Holly, like the Cherokee and Choctaw, and chokes that down in hot water.  Try it out.  It can cause raging diarrhea and vomiting, and honestly what’s more American than that?
This where I’d like to end today’s bit of education, but because my stats tell me I’ve had seven (7!) Canadian views, here’s a shout-out for my Canuck fan(s):  You can visit the Coffee Association of Canada, whose mission is to “enhance the coffee beverage experience by providing members and consumers with opportunities to improve coffee beverage knowledge and skills.”  Aw…that’s so sweet!  Canadians are cute.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Your Library is Nasty. Check it out!

I worked at the library a few years ago.  I thought it was going to be a quiet place where I could putter around among the one thing I love best in this wide world:  books.
Here’s where I was wrong.
The library is a cesspool of both humanity and bio-excretions.  It’s loud and hectic.  Kids barf by the DVD collection and fling entire rows of books shelved according to the infinitesimal nth degree of the Dewey system.  People, who live in their cars or in vans down by the river or in boxes, come into the library to use the computers all day.  They smell.  They show their butt crack…sometimes worse than that.  They talk about their bathing habits to the poor unsuspecting soul at the desk.  Sometimes they check out books.
Here’s who else checks out books:  hoarders, snot nosed kids, snot nosed adults, teachers who take the books into their classrooms full of snot nosed kids, people who read while sitting on a toilet, or on a bus full of snot nosed, hepatitis carrying TB infected citizens, and old people.
Sometimes a book comes home and the pages are stuck together.  Did someone spill Elmer’s glue on it?  Sure they did.  Tell yourself that if it makes you feel better.  Is that chocolate smeared across the page?  Again, if it makes you feel better, answer in the affirmative, and OF COURSE that’s just ketchup flecked across the page.  Don’t give another thought to the short and curlies in the middle of the pages either…those are just ribbons from the craft store, modified down to their smallest possible bow!
This is what shelves of bio-excrement looks like, so you’ll recognize them when you see them:
It’s nasty.
And speaking of nasty, because that’s precisely what I’ve been doing for the past 275 words, there are the librarians.  The librarians are women falling into one of two categories:  the normal woman who likes people and books, snot, “Elmer’s Glue”…you get where I’m going here, and the woman who isn’t particularly religious but still longs for the kind of structure and order that a convent provides.  More often than not, people encounter this second kind of woman…the frustrated nun.  And I gotta tell you, this is weird. 
Because there’s a boatload of porn out there featuring spunky librarians.  And nuns.  What’s wrong with people?  The answer is:  Plenty.  You can read about them in your library, so go check it out, and while you’re there check out a book.  Just wear your latex gloves while you do it.  And that’s good advice no matter who you are.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Why This Won't Be a Mommy-Blog

If you’ve been paying any attention at all, or in my case if someone told you, there are a million and fifty-one mommy-blogs out there, and very few are making much money…you can just trust me on this. 

There’s no need to do any careful analysis.  The dude who told me is super smart. 

There is the same number of blogs (reminder: 1.51million) dedicated to telling you how to make money from your mommy-blog, and this raises another question:  are THEY making money?  But for today’s purpose, I'm only going to tell why this won’t be a mommy-blog.
In all my years of blogging, which hovers somewhere between -1 and 1, I have seen a fair number of blogs which are “Dear Diary” forums, or “How-To-Make-Money-Being-A-Mommy” forums, when it comes to the world of “Being Mom”.  They tell you things like: what to do on snow days, how to make cheap eats, and fun crafts with beer bottle tops and modge podge.  
The real and honest question is who’s going to pay for that kind of blog in a completely saturated market?  When you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow?  Isn’t that the usual saying whereby women are compared to cattle?
And then there's GOOGLE!!  Now we ALL have a voice: a big loud voice with some seriously important things to share.  With Google all things are possible, if you have 45,000 minutes to scroll through 45,000 pages of suggested sites.  And since we’re all JUST stay at home moms, we DO have that time!! 
Finally, there’s what some people would call “The Fundamental Nature of Woman” which is standard terminology for “we’re a care taking bunch who put ourselves on the back burner as long as you’re happy” so we’ll blog whatever you want and mention your product for free.  See Darwin and Origin of the Species….see also the vast number of blogs putting up product photos and talking about features, advantages and benefits of any number of products with no financial compensation of any kind.  

There isn't even a thought of it!
Saturation of market, inherent martyr complex, no obvious money to be made (which is the BEST money to make in my opinion), in addition to my fundamental lack of interest (the real and truest reason), and it all adds up to why this won’t be a mommy-blog. 
What WILL it be?  I don’t know.  You’ll have to come back to find out, because I have a lot of things I think about and Google has promised me that you can know those things too.
Here’s a little piece of advice just so you know I care about you:  If she’s “riding six white horses when she comes” she’s probably more woman than you can handle. 
Liz
P.S. Most of the blogs I’ve read recently (4) seem to get their money by asking me to buy access to the person writing it.  ACT NOW!!  Send me $11.63 and I’ll tell you something I’m thinking….you can’t lose!