Thursday, January 27, 2011

Your Library is Nasty. Check it out!

I worked at the library a few years ago.  I thought it was going to be a quiet place where I could putter around among the one thing I love best in this wide world:  books.
Here’s where I was wrong.
The library is a cesspool of both humanity and bio-excretions.  It’s loud and hectic.  Kids barf by the DVD collection and fling entire rows of books shelved according to the infinitesimal nth degree of the Dewey system.  People, who live in their cars or in vans down by the river or in boxes, come into the library to use the computers all day.  They smell.  They show their butt crack…sometimes worse than that.  They talk about their bathing habits to the poor unsuspecting soul at the desk.  Sometimes they check out books.
Here’s who else checks out books:  hoarders, snot nosed kids, snot nosed adults, teachers who take the books into their classrooms full of snot nosed kids, people who read while sitting on a toilet, or on a bus full of snot nosed, hepatitis carrying TB infected citizens, and old people.
Sometimes a book comes home and the pages are stuck together.  Did someone spill Elmer’s glue on it?  Sure they did.  Tell yourself that if it makes you feel better.  Is that chocolate smeared across the page?  Again, if it makes you feel better, answer in the affirmative, and OF COURSE that’s just ketchup flecked across the page.  Don’t give another thought to the short and curlies in the middle of the pages either…those are just ribbons from the craft store, modified down to their smallest possible bow!
This is what shelves of bio-excrement looks like, so you’ll recognize them when you see them:
It’s nasty.
And speaking of nasty, because that’s precisely what I’ve been doing for the past 275 words, there are the librarians.  The librarians are women falling into one of two categories:  the normal woman who likes people and books, snot, “Elmer’s Glue”…you get where I’m going here, and the woman who isn’t particularly religious but still longs for the kind of structure and order that a convent provides.  More often than not, people encounter this second kind of woman…the frustrated nun.  And I gotta tell you, this is weird. 
Because there’s a boatload of porn out there featuring spunky librarians.  And nuns.  What’s wrong with people?  The answer is:  Plenty.  You can read about them in your library, so go check it out, and while you’re there check out a book.  Just wear your latex gloves while you do it.  And that’s good advice no matter who you are.

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