Monday, February 21, 2011

D&D Help.

I know how hard it can be when you have a new character on Dungeons & Dragons and you just can't think of a good name.  Names are EVERYTHING.  When you meet a foe, your name can inspire quaking in boots or trembling mustaches.  When meeting a friend, your name can convey a sense of protection or welcoming spirit. 

I don't care about any of this, because I haven't played D&D since the angsty days of early high school when I played two or three times to impress a boy I thought I liked.

But you can't say I don't care about YOU.  So here are some names I've taken from trademarked products advertised on TV.  The ancillary bonus for you is that I'm ruining your TV watching from now on, because you won't be able to watch a single hour without thinking of me...and that's really a gift I give myself.  I'm neat that way.

So here's the scene:  You, the main character, who you have to name for yourself because that's WAY too personal...are on the move in the land of Plavix.  You encounter the evil cleric, Lortab who carries the staff of Nexium.  (All trademarked names, remember?)

After defeating Lortab by casting the Lunesta spell, you decide to find friendlier shores, so you hook up with the exotic trader named Orencia.  Orencia is way cool, because he knows a Viking warrior, named Norvasc.  And DUDE...Norvasc takes you for a sail on his bad-ass ship, the Welbutrin.  While we're dealing with warriors, let me warn you:  don't get mixed up with Cymbalta.  She's a crazy warrior who carries the mighty sword of Zoloft, and she will MESS YOU UP.

But it's okay, dear one.  Because along the winding paths of Mirena I know you can find your dwarf guide, Flonase, who can take you to the elfin ranger, Lamasil.  If you give Lamasil your Viagra potion, good things will happen, I promise.  Because he knows the fairy queens Lyrica and Allegra.  And they will help you to meet your next guide along the road:  the cleric Pristiq.

Now, why on Earth do you even need to meet all these people?  I thought it would be clear by now.  You need to get to the WIZARD!!! 

Oh my...when you get to the wizard, don't forget to bring him the Singulair crystal, which you should have bought from the trader Orencia.  Wizards like Stelara are tough stuff.

He doesn't have a lot of time; he's super busy casting his Abilify know trying to kill the dragon in the hills, named Bactroban.

See pals?  It's not difficult to name your characters.  Big pharma has done all your work for you! 

Happy Monday!  And next time we'll talk about how it is that drunk college girls name all the nail polish colors.

*Remember all brand names are trademarked, so don't be making any money off this.  I'm not, and neither should you.  Picture today from Cool Stuff Inc.

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