Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm getting MARRIED!!!

Something old, something new...something borrowed, something blue.  I am surprisingly in love with this blog.  So with these words, I it wed. 

SOMETHING OLD:  I wrote this in the fifth grade.

"Family Binds”...the book actually says “copyright 1984”
CH 1-
  A couple of years ago, Carolyn Swansen and Adrian Swansen were having a terrible fight.  Adrian kept running around the house screaming bloody terror!  Of course they were disagreeing on their house, garden and everything they owned!
  Carolyn blurted out, “Calm down, our house needs something new Adrian!”  But Adrian kept on blabbing, “No, no, no, it’s just fine the way it is!”

CH 2-
  “No! You are way wrong.  Get out of my house this instant!”
“But Carolyn where shall I stay?”
“You can go anywhere you want Adrian Francesco Swansen!”
“But what shall I do for food?  BEG?”
“I DON’T CARE!” Carolyn boomed, (but she really did care.)
So Adrian packed up and left sadly crying (at the age of 35) saying, “It’s just fine the way it is.”

CH 3-
  (But Adrian didn’t get very far, going two steps an hour!!!!)
But before Adrian left, Carolyn packed 6,000 dollars in his bag!
Adrian was very happy and got a job!  After a while he was back on his feet!
So finally years later when Adrian and Carolyn were 45 years old they reunited, hugged and kissed, and lived happily ever after.

**Of note:  The only names changed here were the last names.  Otherwise, this may be a published transcript of one of my parents’ actual last fights before getting divorced. I got a "B" because the teacher found the characters shallow.  Personally, I found my parents shallow.  It was a fair representation and I stand by it.

SOMETHING NEW:  This has a copyright of 2011.

Sometimes when I go into a public restroom and I’m alone, I become terrified that as I’m squatting in my stall a scary witch head will appear over the stall wall.  The witch has just a floating head.  There’s no body attached, which is why it’s nigh impossible to detect her before going into your own doomed stall.  My fear is that as I’m going potty (because even though my children are out of the potty-training speak, I still go potty...) I’ll look up and see that scary, laughing head.  She’s laughing because she’s caught me unawares...and let’s face it, she’s not right in the head, if you know what I mean, which is sad, because that’s all she’s got.  Although, I guess I’d laugh if I were her, scaring someone when they use the potty.  Really, she should just be at home on her computer, because that’s where all the good pee-pee cam footage is.

You don't get a picture because she's better left to your imagination.  Things are always scarier there than in REAL LIFE....you know...where floating witch heads reside.

SOMETHING BORROWED:

This is one my very favorite passages from Edith Wharton’s novel, The Age of Innocence.  I am taking it from pages 356-357 of a Book Of The Month Club edition, circa 1987.  I like the 80's today.

“After a little while he did not regret Dallas’s indiscretion.  It seemed to take an iron band from his heart to know that, after all, someone had guessed, and pitied....And that it should have been his wife moved him indescribably.”

You have to read the novel to understand how powerful this passage is.  The full story is remarkably deep and Wharton knits together words with a richness that makes you FEEL the words in your mouth.  So read it, unless you’re some kind of communist, socialist, Marxist Nazi.  Or a hippie.  

SOMETHING BLUE: Skip this part.  It's just a recipe because I ran out of ideas.  Try doing this yourself if you think you can do better....

Blueberry Drop cookies
3/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh grated fresh lemon rind
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup milk
1 cup fresh blueberries (or frozen, thawed and drained)
Directions:
In a mixing bowl, beat margarine and sugar until fluffy texture.Add eggs, lemon rind, and vanilla; beat until combined.
In another bowl, add the flour, baking powder, and salt; stir to combine. Beat flour mixture into creamed mixture alternately with milk. Fold in the berries. Drop dough by teaspoonfuls onto a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 375° for 10-12 minutes. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool.
 
There you go.  It’s official:  I’m married to this blog.  We’re registered for cash because as I stated in the first entry, I’m pretty sure that’s the only way to make any money off this albatross.  So start sending it in peeps.  My electric bill isn’t paying itself.

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