Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Twenty Questions

In the February issue of the Bible, by which I mean Oprah Winfrey's “O” magazine, writer and life coach Martha Beck posits that if we ask ourselves her prescribed twenty questions our lives will be changed.

Easy enough, I can ask myself twenty questions in twenty seconds.  But it doesn’t take Martha long to lose me ENTIRELY when she sneaks in that true transformation will occur should I ask myself all twenty questions every single day.

Good golly Oprah, I can't believe you approved this article.  Who has time for that?!  If I can’t completely transform my life in one sitting (or less) then why bother?  General Hospital isn’t going to watch itself, and yesterday's wedding between Sonny and Brenda was a real nail biter...not to be missed.

If you're new here, you might not know that I don't do stuff for people, so let me tell you:  you're only getting all twenty questions if you go read them in the aforementioned February issue.  People who've been around this block once or twice know I’m only going to tell you the five I already ask myself every day and I’ll just hope they can rustle up some "A-ha", "light bulby", metamorphic change. 

Honestly, I’m not all that committed to this, so here are the questions I like.

“Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?”   Martha says we can switch out the words in brackets with other words, but I think the question is fine as-is.  And during my day it’s not a question, rather a declarative statement.  I like cupcakes more than I like people.  Why question it?  Cupcakes taste good.  They’re light and fluffy, with icing.  People are…not that stuff.  (I don’t feel any different yet.  Do you?)

“Are {vegans} better people?”   Again, Martha says to switch out the bracketed word, but I say we answer it.  Yes, vegans are better people.  I can’t help it, they just are.  Am I one of them?  No.  And maybe that’s where I can transform!  But sadly I love bacon, cheese, and the pelts of kittens to keep me warm in the winter.  The other options Martha gives for the brackets are “ultra-marathoners and mothers who never raise their voice” and she says they’re not better people.  But they are.  I say face it and move on.  You might metamorph.

“Where am I wrong?”   What a silly question!  The answer is NOWHERE.  There is no place or time where I am wrong.  And even if I were to be wrong, I can skew the data to make myself right.  Let’s not spend anymore time here.  What a dumb question!

“Where could I work less and achieve more?”   Well pals, you’re lookin’ at it.  I’m already doing less!  I can’t possibly do less than I am!  Wow.  I am so close to total transformation I could touch it if I felt like moving my arm out that far. 

And the final question I’m asking is the first question she asks. 

“What questions should I be asking myself?”   She says this seemingly redundant question really isn’t because without it we won’t ask any questions at all.  To that I answer:  so what?  That’s a question, so it counts.  And anyway, I question her methodology, which I’m not following.  I don’t feel much different.  Maybe it takes a few minutes.  Maybe it’s a total scam.      

There is one other question I find myself asking frequently, which Martha glosses over, and that is:  what’s for lunch?  Answer: kitty bacon.  Am I a lesser person for it?  You betcha, but I’m cool with that.  Maybe I don’t need twenty questions.  Maybe….maybe a person just needs cute breakfast meats.     

*Picture today brought to you by cafepress.  You can put that on a t-shirt people!  How great is that?

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