Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Toilet Paper Should be NC-17

Assaulting my brain with 2-ply porn
Does this make you horny?

If I see one more commercial sexualizing toilet paper, I might scream. If I see one more commercial telling me about paper bits stuck to my anus, I might have to stop using it altogether.

Ad campaigns making toilet paper fresh, sexy and hip are FREAKING ME OUT.

Charmin thinks I check my son’s butts for leftovers.  I do not.

Cottonelle thinks my sex life is going to pick up because my husband will get randy when he swipes that softness across his rear.

Quilted Northern wants to have some girl talk with me about the amount of poo literally on my hands after a movement.


These ad campaigns are so incredibly wrong on so many levels, I don’t really think I can even deconstruct where they go wrong...but I’ll give it a “go”.

Charmin (Proctor and Gamble):  if someone found out that I made my sons spread ‘em so I could see if there was any leftover paper stuck in their hineys, I’d get reported to child services. I’d be on the news. Making your animation a bear does NOTHING to disguise that you’re advocating checking butts for teeny pieces of tissue. Honestly, this problem seems like it falls under the "don't tell anyone and pretend it never happened" category. It is really not something to glorify or advocate.

Cottonelle (Kimberly-Clark):  if my husband starts screaming at me about how randy he’s getting while he’s pooping? Because the toilet paper is making him horny? I am out of here so fast he won’t even see me leave. In NO scenario is it appropriate for my husband to desire me sexually because he wiped his butt with soft toilet paper. Click on KC’s name to see the offending ad if you don’t believe me…. Apparently Viagra and Cialis got nuthin’ on the softness that is Cottonelle. However, we will find ourselves seeking either marriage counseling or divorce should he equate me and marital "relations" with poop and wiping. I don't care how soft the plys are.

Quilted Northern (Georgia-Pacific):  I don’t know what you think you’ve heard about “girl talk” sessions, but it’s way different than getting poop all over our hands when we wipe. I am not certain that has ever been something I’ve talked or even THOUGHT about, despite your ad campaign which asserts that women all over the country are concerned. We’re not…eff why eye. Again, you can see the “ad” if you click their name. It may be my own personal failing, but I don't want to be friends with women who may or may not have poopy hands, and no way of figuring out how to fix that problem, until watching a QN commercial.

All three (that last one especially) have gone after the “cleanliness” factor and I think this is somewhat insulting. I have been blindly assuming all this time that the OLDER versions were removing any fecal matter left…but now they’re all saying that the NEW version is doing this??

What the hell has been happening all these years?

I’m aware that the market for toilet paper is…um…stiff (obviously stiffer in Cottonelle's case).  For the most part, a store brand is just as good as a name brand, especially when we’re just flushing it, so these companies are going for an ad campaign to hook me. But I most appreciate the straight up ad campaigns where I’m told the paper won’t clog a septic system, or has more ply’s, or more sheets per roll. I’m on board with these hooks.

But for the love of all that’s decent in life:

Stop trying to make it sexy, or hip…it’s TOILET PAPER.

This blog post kicks off Colon Cancer Awareness Month. Take care pals, because your colon is pretty special. Colonoscopies can save your life. Check out the National Cancer Institute for more info.  

*Pictures courtesy of: and  Weird, and gross. 

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