Monday, March 21, 2011

What's With Bananas?

Buddha? In a banana? Who knew?

Everyone has ideas for what I should write here. My aunt wants to know why so many people like root beer. My husband wants to know why porn isn’t subtitled, and my son thinks the world wants to know more about legendary lightsaber battles.

I’m not saying these aren’t all very valid and interesting topics…far from it. But if I am going to write something appealing, it sort of has to come from me and my own guts. I can write on assignment without problems, don’t misunderstand. If you’re looking for someone to do some copywriting I GOT YOU COVERED.

For real. Email me at


When it comes to this here bloggin’ thang, I really have to feel it, you know? If my aunt wants me to do a serious expose on the merits and social implications of root beer, we can discuss my rates privately. Don’t worry I’ll give her a family discount. I’m not a monster!

I think the world is looking for Seinfeld in every moment, not that there’s anything wrong with that. What’s challenging is teasing the Seinfeld out in an interesting way that requires more than one line. Ideas sort of pop up, randomly, without warning and usually in wildly inappropriate settings.

For instance, a person might be in a bathtub full of bubbles with a wine glass in her hand. Who can write an idea down THEN? I’m not saying that’s where I get MY ideas (yes I am) it’s just where a person might get ideas (me). 

Artist's rendition of me getting an idea.

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about how the porn industry COULD do a subtitled “piece”, and maybe make it like a literal video. Have you seen these on You Tube? Let me link you to my favorite one: CLICK HERE!! 

SERIOUSLY. Click the link. Go watch, then come back.

Don’t be reading further if you haven’t watched that video. There’s going to be a quiz later on in the post….

I don’t see why porn can’t do something like that kind of video. I laughed so hard the first time I saw it, I almost peed my pants.  If porn could figure out how to emulate that video, I think its audience opens wide, pardon the pun…or not because that was pretty apt. 

As it turns out, I can write about anything given the correct motivation:  making people laugh, shocking them to action, making them cry with my UNBELIEVABLY poetic prose…or money.

Who knows what the mass appeal of cheese is? And in this society and economy I think it’s a fair question. But if I’m going to figure it out I want some kind of government grant or stipend from an academic institution. And I want a paid membership to Jenny Craig after I’m done because I can guarantee that research on cheese means immersing myself in the culture, as it were.

What I’m figuring out is that even if I hate the subject matter, and I DO NOT hate cheese by any stretch of the imagination, I can muster the interest to write about it provided I’ve been given the correct motivation.

I realize I’ve addressed everyone here except my son’s request for research on legendary lightsaber wars, but he can’t read yet so I’m skipping him. This is a quid pro quo setting…I don’t think that surprises anyone who’s been before, and if you’re new: WELCOME! Sign up for email delivery and contact me about researching the concrete that’s used to anchor picket fence posts. I’m happy to help where I can.

Happy Monday everyone! Go watch more literal videos so you can get “Total Eclipse of the Heart” out of your head, and accept my apologies.

*Art credit today: and

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