Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Are Kids a Good Investment?

I don't remember this picture
being taken....

When I think of the richness that has been brought to my life because I had children I am suddenly forced to remember that, in fact, NO richness came with the kids…

In fact the richness is precisely what LEFT when we brought the child home from the hospital.

Thanks to junior I couldn’t stand the thought of working and leaving him, so I quit my job. And then just when things were going back to normal, and I thought I’d get a life back, we made the jackass decision to have another junior.

Now I’m in the later part of my 30’s with nothing to show for it except a bunch of stretch marks and a negative bank account balance. 
Come back in 20 years, you schmuck.
Have the kids made me laugh over the years? On some level.
Have they provided entertainment on certain occasions? I guess.
Have they kept me snuggly warm on cold nights when they climbed into bed after a bad dream?  Fine, YES…they have.

And I’m woman enough to admit that they’re totally adorable when they’re sleeping…but are they really worth the loss of cash and freedom that took place when they came out?

When I think of where my husband and I could be in life if weren’t for our children, I’m astounded.  Just imagine what two incomes lo these last ten years could have done for us! Imagine the concerts we’ve missed, the Thursday night drinking we’ve stopped, and the solid browsing and reading we’ve missed when we go to the Art Museum!!  It’s insane.

I could know so much more about Renoir, Monet AND the ancient Chinese ceramics makers…if only I had time to read the placards….  The naked ladies and mummies are just so much more interesting to the little crowd, whom you can’t seem to shake after they’re born.

It’s really true that kids ruin your life from the top to the bottom.  Once they’re home, that’s it pal.  No more drinking eight or nine beers on a random Tuesday night, because it’s allergy season and your 3 year old might need a trip to Urgent Care for the asthma.  They don’t look kindly on drunks driving their kids to medical care.

You want that cashmere jacket?  GOOD LUCK!  Soccer sign ups are this week and your miracle needs new cleats for feet that don’t stop growing for 14 point 2 seconds. 

Don't you feel pampered?

And forget about that last minute airfare deal to San Francisco.  It’s easier to board the dogs than it is to find last minute childcare.  Wanna know why?

KIDS RUIN LIVES and babysitters know it!

Sure Grandparents are good for occasional sitting, but let’s face it, they’re getting OLD and they still think whiskey in honey is what you feed your teething 4 month old.  They can be so stupid!!  Everyone knows you don’t give a child honey until they’re a year old.

Kids create more laundry than you can shake a stick at, whatever that means (it means “occurring in abundance”), and they don’t know how to throw up. 

The throwing up thing is the most annoying because at 2am, when a burning hot child has gotten into bed with you and then sits up and barfs up everything since last Wednesday at snack time all over your bed?  You want to stick a poker in your eye.  THAT’S A PILLOW TOP MATTRESS JOHNNY!!  You don’t just flip it over and pretend it didn’t happen. 

And I can’t even imagine your pain if you have memory foam.  Best to just light it on fire, because it’s gone man….gone.

Don't let kid barf do this to you.

I tell you, if kids could be born knowing how to barf into a toilet the way God intended, things would be way different in this blog post, and on the surface of my mattress.

Finally there’s all the “artwork” that your precious bundle creates that you can’t throw away but  don’t know where to keep.  Some people suggest taking pictures of the artwork and then tossing the actual art itself.  Why didn’t anyone in the Middle Ages think of that?!  Think of all the golf courses Italy could have if it weren’t for the pesky museums housing the actual art!

You could head on over to any country with a rich and ancient culture, grab yourself a memory stick and peruse through some pictures of the David, or Mona Lisa…then you could walk through the site of the former Uffizi Gallery and hit up the Barnes and Noble there, or maybe into the “Made in China Dollar Store” that just opened.  That’s prime real estate being wasted on some former kid's “ART”. 

So toss anything that your savant makes because who cares?  It’s just clay and paint. No one’s ever gotten rich from that, and isn’t that why we all have kids in the first place?  So they can one day be richer than us and install us into the condo on the shore we’ve always wanted?

The answer is yes. 


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