Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Variety is the Spice of Life. Also Spice is.


Everyone is always telling you how to “spice up” areas of your life with super easy, one step additions.  “All you have to do is…”  It’s so annoying, as if some random person sitting in their kitchen in a bathrobe has a CLUE what would make my life spicier.

HA! Tricked you. This edition of “Dirty Words” will be your one stop shop for life spice. It’s organic, freely traded, and no one was harmed in the making of this post. I changed out of my robe and into proper clothing; be assured this advice is coming from an appropriately clothed, and therefore trustworthy, source.

So take what you want and leave the rest for some poor slob to find later…that’s my motto in life.

1-     Grocery shopping sucks. An easy way to spice up the trip is to do it on wine tasting day. For under a dollar you can drink and shop. I think that should be enough because everything’s better when you’re drunk but in case you don’t drink, are already drunk when you’re grocery shopping, or are…I don’t know….a responsible citizen, you can go with the cliché of buying condoms, batteries, and baby oil. That’s always fun at check out. Am I right?! Throw in some frozen broccoli florets for good measure and spend lots of time yakking loudly to the cashier about how important good heads are. This is easier if you’ve taken $5 for wine samples.
Fun times...

2-     Banking is mundane but sometimes dangerous! But mostly mundane. Unless you’re in the habit of depositing GIANT wads of money (in which case email me at contactdirtywords@gmail.com and I’ll write your incredible life story for you!) it can be boring and a little bit embarrassing to deposit your measly crumble of bills at the bank, especially when the teller can see you’re only there to cover the overdraft charges. The way to really spice up the trip is by going through the drive-thru and depositing Monopoly money. When the teller says you can’t do that, yell loudly (because people IN the bank can hear you) that if your money isn’t good there, you’ll take it somewhere else.  Then take it home. Monopoly is no fun to play without a full bank.
Ta-Da! You poor fool!

3-     Dental cleanings are like pretend doctor appointments. I mean, they’re TEETH…they’re rock solid, what’s to go wrong? (Shut up, I know dental hygiene is important and lots can go wrong, but we’re in a happy pretend place at blogspot.) If you’re already a pansy ass who gets the nitrous just for a tooth brushing then skip this part. And stop reading my blog. Come back when you’ve grown a pair.
      
      If you DON’T need anxiety meds for dental cleanings then here’s something fun for everyone. Every time the dentist or hygienist comes towards you, scream “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?” Of course, they’ll tell you and you’ll realize it’s not scary but the kids in the waiting room will be crapping their pants. When you leave the chair make sure to limp into the waiting room and wince a lot. If you’re lucky the reward will be a script for Xanax for your next trip and seeing the pale, crying faces of the people (children!) waiting for their turn.  Now that’s a great feeling.
Don't worry. He's a "professional".

4-     Watching network TV is for poor people (like me) or people who like to pretend they’re poor (maybe you…). This is like the mother load of boring things. My advice is to save some of the wine from the grocery shopping trip and fill the Xanax script from the dentist. Pop a pill, drink a tiny 25 cent glass of red wine and turn on the NBC Thursday night line-up. (Don’t really do this because that’s drug abuse and I can’t be liable for your dead-ness.) Maybe just THINK about doing this part. That’s fun right?

     This one is more like cinnamon spicing than habanero spicing as it turns out….and it’s my last one.  I’m stopping on a real high note, huh?
Look how spicy her life is NOW!!

Well, you’re welcome. I hope this helps you a lot in the ho-hum times of every day life. And if it doesn't maybe someone will come along someday and write a blog about how to spice up reading boring blogs. 

It won’t be me though….

P.S. I hate the word "spice" now.  It no longer has meaning to me after reading it and saying it in my head as many times as I did in this post creation.  I hope you're happy. 


Top Photo Credit: dachalan via Compfight cc
Other photo credits belong to thedentalstudio.ae, and random Google image searches.

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