Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wonky Legos at 2 a.m.

I hate kids…and old people.

"Just wait until they’re all grown up…then you’ll miss [insert horrifying childhood behavior here]…." so say The Elders.

Apparently, someday, it’s going to be super sweet and I’m going to dearly miss the midnight vomit down my chest, the screaming meanies who come with me to the grocery store only to completely FALL OUT in the canned foods aisle, the fighting over a 5mm Lego and stepping on said Lego at 2am when I have to “go potty.”

Someday I will wish I could shout out, “HOW MARVELOUS!” at the wonky sided Lego firmly embedded in the soft mid-section of my foot rather than, “MOTHER F*CKER!”  I guess when the boys move away that kind of pain becomes quaint.

And at the same time, I have been told that I’ll miss the shrill shrieking, the biting, pinching, tripping and psychological warfare that they inflict upon each other daily…because any time a woman in her child rearing years dares to complain about the grinding, tedious, embarrassing and/or soul crushing moments that make up the days of small children, that woman is IMMEDIATELY admonished by any empty nester in reading or hearing distance that, “Someday you’ll miss these moments! Cherish them!”

Isn't he A DEAR??


No woman ever in all of time has LOOOOOVED the midnight vomit. No woman has ever looked at her children, who are a tangle of blurry arms and legs tearing at each other in hatred only siblings can muster, and had a warm feeling of joy and maternal satisfaction at their “play.”  And any woman who claims thinking anything other than "I-should’ve-stayed-on-the-pill" is a liar, a psycho or a lying psycho.

So what is it in us that makes people wax nostalgic over the child who’s losing their ever loving mind in a grocery store?  Because despite these kind reprimands from The Elders, I don’t usually see them walking up to said family in the restaurant, on the plane, in the mall, at the library, in a park….I don’t often see anyone approaching said child with a misty, wistful kind of look that says, “Oh how I miss those days of grace…I am truly envious…”

IN FACT:  we see families being kicked off planes because of crying toddlers, families asked to leave restaurants because their “spirited” children are causing other patrons to not enjoy their meals….so where is all this national treasure?!

Are women truly not allowed to hate moments of parenthood? After all this time, after all the movements and equality marches, are we still really not allowed to HATE parts of motherhood?


Because I HATE parts of motherhood.

And since I'm a fully functioning adult I can hate parts of motherhood and yet still, somehow, some way, incredulously...love my children.

What other part of life has to be WHOLE HEARTEDLY loved, cherished and held in such sanctimonious regard? Even my preacher man says I’m allowed to feel angry or hurt by The Almighty Creator…but not the little darling who’s leaving gobs of snot all over the back seat of the car because he’s gone stiff as a board and won’t wear his legally mandated 5-point harness.

Oh treasure these moments, because someday you’ll wake up and they’ll be 35!

Thank heavens someday they’ll be 35 I say…. Then it’ll be my turn to tsk at the young mother. Except I hope I have the good sense to look at her say,

Isn’t it THE WORST?!  But don’t worry, soon she’ll be 35 and you can watch her deal with HER child…that’s the BEST!”

OMG...when is she moving out??

*Photos: catholicvote.org, dadwagon.com

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