Tuesday, July 5, 2011

You're Only Fun to Me if You're Drunk...

Harry Potter has stopped drinking.

I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.

To be fair, it’s actually Daniel Radcliffe who’s knocked off the plastering, but that’s a silly detail. He’s a 21 year old “man” who’s made the mature decision that his drinking got out of control at the ripe old age of 21…you know, the age when it becomes legal to *try* alcohol in the US.

I’m proud of Mr. Potter for making the tough decision to stop having any fun in his young life from this point forward. It’s admirable to throw in the towel before he’s even had a chance to revive his sagging career with a stint on Dr. Drew….former-celebrity rehab.

(*Disclaimer: Alcoholism is a real disease and it’s no joking matter, except for the Tuesdays when I don’t have anything else to say…if you are an alcoholic, you should seek treatment, but not here. I’m an idiot and not capable of giving good advice because I’m already drunk, on my own power.)

The real question now is, “How will he ever enjoy an evening out or keep himself in the news if he’s not getting blotto?”

Talent? In this country?!? Pishaw. Who cares about talent? If I’m never going to see his brains peeking out from a drunken foray to the gym in too short shorts, who cares?

Let’s make a small list of stars who are fun and relevant only because they’re trainwrecks under societal pressure and our unrealistic expectations:

The Hoff…that’s David Hasselhoff, who only ever has to eat ONE cheeseburger on his bathroom floor (which probably isn’t true but that’s what I believe, so I’m printing here and making it fact.) If you ask me, that was just using his noggin’ since eating that fast when you’re that drunk may lead to some intense “reflux”…better to be right near the proper receptacle. (I’m sticking with the bathroom floor theory here for entertainment purposes…)

Well that just looks delicious.

Britney…that’s Spears, who had a psychotic breakdown, shaved her head, showed her naticals and lost her kids. What fun! In the prime of her life, really taking advantage of everything out there in the wide world and experiencing it all. She’d look back with regrets if she didn’t. Thanks to Red Bull and vodka, she could.

I, for one, admire her carefree attitude.

Lindsay Lohan, who had NO CLUE that it might seem improper to get schnockered while on house arrest with a leg band for criminal infractions.  In the interest of full disclosure, being hammered wasn’t spelled out as wrong in the conditions of her probation, so it’s the judge’s fault. My word, Your Honor…how is a girl to cope with being out of the party scene if she can’t down some buttery nipples??

Good times! And legally sanctioned!
And let’s end with the Queen of them all, the venerable Miss Amy Winehouse, whose raging case of impetigo, knocked out chompers and black eyes, have never once gotten her down! Think of the bravery she musters every single time she leaves the house to enjoy life to its fullest…it’s a marvel of the strength of humanity.
Nothing says classy
like a knocked out incisor.

So Daniel, my friend (and he is) knock off the knocking off. We don’t care about your “talent”…we want to see you fall off the horse time and time again, so we can lament how child actors always seem to decline into tragedy, and boo hoo that this happens without ever once taking any credit for it. We aren’t impressed with your ability to inhabit a role for our momentary escape from life because we’d rather watch you destroy your own actual life.

Cheers mate!

Get this guy a beer!

* Pix: Listal.com, technorati.com, maplejuice.com

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