Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sex and Santa

Photo: Flickr, Edgar Barany
I'm not saying Santa did this....

So it's been a whirlwind few weeks. Apologies for being gone, but I'm a barely employable non-ape who isn't profoundly handicapped in the mental area, maintaining most usage of all extremities and that's about as much as I can confidently claim.

I got a job, I've been writing for someone else besides you people and and and....AND.

My 10 year old son had two major revelations this week which just don't make a lick of sense to me. This week he tearfully admitted to understanding the real story behind the fat man in the red suit. While he was pretty confident last year in his assessment of the Jolly Man, he wasn't ready to admit it until this year. Hark! The innocence lost!! 


[Insert woeful music of your choice here.]

Or so I thought.

[Screech music to a halt here.]

As it turns out, dear sweet naive son has known since the tender age of seven how a "baby gets in the mom's belly." Apparently the second grade class took a trip down anatomy lane whilst doing some research for a  human body report.  There they found diagrams and explanations as to how babies get into bellies and were forever icked out by their parents. While I wish he'd had the wherewithal to look away, can I blame him, really? Who needs facts on femurs when there's a penis and vagina right on the page? 

AND OH MY GAWD GUESS WHERE IT GOES!

I don't understand how a child lives with this sort of human sexuality knowledge and still believes that one man travels the globe, gets in our house with no fireplace, and leaves the exact, personally sought after prizes that he desired. How does any person live with knowing what his father does to his mother on a "regular enough" basis, but not know that Santa is, well....faking it?

Here are some other seemingly contradictory things in life:

Being AGAINST abortion but FOR the death penalty...this only flies with me if you're a fisherman and routinely throw them back to kill them when they're bigger.

Being AGAINST gay marriage but FOR legal divorce...sanctity is sanctity, except when it's not, like in the case of celebrities. 

Advocating FOR prescription drug programs but being AGAINST legalization of the MaryJane. I'm just throwing that out there because research has it that more Americans than not favor legalizing ganja, and not just for your "cataracts." You 46% who disapprove are going to miss out on the party at my house!

Two coach's challenges resulting in overturned rulings BUT not getting your challenges back. That's just silly-talk and everyone but Roger Goodell seems to know it.

How do a double cheeseburger AND a gigantic Coke both cost 99 cents, seriously?? That's either a testament to the sketchiness of the burger, or proof of assault when buying carbonated brown sugar.

Aqua sand...it's MAGIC SAND...that never gets wet!

Amazon.com


We all live with weird contradictions, don't we? I guess it makes sense that my son could live with the sex and Santa contradiction. After all, he DID climb a tree this past weekend as well. Of course, he was wearing a climber's harness, secured on a climbing rope configured in the doubled roped technique...he ascended on a friction hitch with on ground belay.  


DUH.


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