Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Crazy Sauce!

Feeling tipsy yet?
Photo: Flickr, by Gwen

"What are we doing today?"
"My Chihuahua Bites!"
"Omigod I love that!"

What the hell just happened? I'll tell you: a manicure was born. And if it still doesn't make sense to you, then I have no clue what I can do to make it right because that's just the way of nail polish colors. Let me see if I can tell you a story.

Once upon a time I was running through my options from "A- to Zurich" and I looked over at my friend and inquired, "William tell me about OPI." OPI is a brand of nail polish favored by women who seek a little "Vodka and Caviar" here and there. Of course "It's All Greek to Me" but who am I to question the "Manicurist of Seville?" After all, she's been doing it for a "Quarter of a Cent-Cherry." 

So, as I ate my "California Raspberry," which had a deep "Color to Diner For" I wondered to myself, "Meep-Meep-Meep" and felt the "Thrill of Brazil" coursing through my veins. I still didn't fully understand the naming process behind the colors of OPI, but after "An Affair in Red Square" I really "Got the Blues for Red." What was a (mostly) sober girl to do?

Of course you KNOW the possibilities are endless.
Photo: Flickr, by Marina Amante

Well "Planks A lot" OPI, because, as the "Diva of Geneva," I had a plan. I headed down to "Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ" and thank goodness I remembered the password.."Wocka Wocka"....that's important. I could've been waiting till it was "Midnight in Moscow" if I'd forgotten that! (And you know "Lincoln Park After Dark" is like "Siberian Nights"...so don't forget the password!) 

ANYHOO...with my "Royal Flush Blush" in full swing, I was feeling "Rally Pretty in Pink" and decided to find "The One That Got Away." That's no easy task because, even though "I Eat Mainely Lobster," it's difficult to get a "Party in My Cabana" when I'm "Indi-a Mood For Love." I mean, come on..."Congeniality is My Middle Name" but I was wearing "Aphrodite's Pink Nightie" so getting around town was a challenge. In my sheer desperation, I "Ate Berries in the Canaries" and I don't even know how to fix that!

I'm sure by now you think I've "Gone Gonzo!" But, I promise you this, if you want to be "Gettin' Miss Piggy with It" I have given you all the information you need to boldly walk into a nail salon and tell the trained professional there which red, purple, pink or metallic color you'd like on your nails. I'm not here to discuss the "Pro's and Bronze" of it all, because "I Juggle...Men" all day long and that makes ME the "Fresh Frog of Bel Air."

Please believe this makes way more sense if you get stupid drunk and read it. Though I am NOT advocating the excessive use of alcohol here...your manicure will look rather sloppy heading into the holidays if you've gotten blotto beforehand. "Uh-oh Roll Down the Window" because I'm finished. (And that's a nice mossy green color to compliment any attire!)

PS...OPI owns the trademark, copyright, and all other monetary rights to these color names so don't be paying me for this post....like you were going to. Oh this IS a funny one today, isn't it?!