Sunday, February 26, 2012

Where is gratitude?

 Photo: Patricio Suarez

I am stuck in the mean reds. If you don't know what that means, hop back one post and see. I thought I was just going to have a day or two of being a 14 year old asshole, but no. It's stuck around and I can't shake it. I have ZERO gratitude. 

Stuff I normally look at and think is pretty swell, or worthy of thanking of my personal higher power, is just falling flat on the "thank-you" scale. I turn on the TV and I see ads for men maligning other men for things they said an eon ago, magazines show me airbrushed, photo-shopped women who aren't even remotely real but still trick me into believing they are, all the books I'm attempting to read are stinkers. Maybe the authors are trying their best, I don't know...and my every day life is wearing me down and getting the better part of me. 

Mean reds are supposed to have one day of attention and then move on. I don't know what to do with a week of mean reds. So I'm trying to see things for which I'm thankful. I'm going to fake it till I make it and maybe it'll help one or four people along the way.

Here's my list:

  1.  My children. They make me COMPLETELY bonkers but they're healthy and someday I assume they're going to be pretty cool adults. At that point all this will be worth it.
  2. Coffee...strong black coffee. No cream, no sugar. Just in-your-face-black-coffee that's rich and shocking. I like that.
  3. The comedy of others. People around me tend to be hilarious, so I'm grateful that they make me laugh when my own inner monologue prevents me from seeing ANYTHING remotely funny.
  4. Blue skies and sunshine. This is self-explanatory.
  5. Red wine. Big, bold, chewy red wine. This is also self-explanatory.
  6. Emily Dickinson, because mean reds dictate that you read the most beautifully written descriptions of death and dying ever. Is it cliche? DUH. But it's good stuff when you're knee deep in the reds.
  7. Mean reds. It seems sort of anathema to appreciate the mean reds when all you want is for the mean reds to stop, but I wonder if something good will come from them? Maybe this is a painful moment of growth that's taking place, because...

...when we're growing up, and our bones are stretching and we're turning into adolescents, and then adults, it hurts. There is something someone said (Karin Boye to be specific) and it's this:

"Yes it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something grows."

So right now I'm in a moment of growth, and expansion. I'm about to learn something really profound about myself and I just have to see it through. In the meantime I will hope that the comedy of those around me, blue skies and sunshine, and maybe a decent dose of bold red wine will see me through these reds into some other color of self-actualization. 

I hope it's a calm, deep purple.

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