Friday, June 15, 2012

My peaceful mind is freaking me out
This guy is probably brain dead.

So here's what's new and exciting in my world: Bikram Yoga. It's a whack-a-doodle sort of way to twist and turn your body into wonky positions for NINETY FULL MINUTES, in a room heated to roughly 4 degrees below whatever the sun's surface temperature is. 


Amazingly enough, if you can get over the fact that you might just die then and there of the heat, and you can then get past the fact that there is no earthly way for a human to do the things they're asking you to do with your body, a really marvelous thing happens. Your mind goes completely quiet. I'm not kidding; even the constant ringing in my ears disappears. There is NOTHING happening in the part of my brain usually reserved for the three-ring circus. 

Additionally, after only 5 classes, I can do some of the wonky positions! (I'm practically a professional by now, as I'm sure you've already gathered, and I expect that Bikram himself is going to be emailing me soon to ask me to lead some workshops.)
This is "Camel Pose." It makes you nauseous to do it.
Doesn't that sound fantastic?!?

But here's what freaks me out: a calm mind is super duper weird. My sleep is messed up (what's up with falling asleep right away and not lying there for 2 hours anymore?) my reactions are somewhat more subdued (why am I not losing my marbles and screaming at my delightful children?) and I am not at all comfortable with this surreal sense of well-being that seems to be infecting me. I'm telling you, it's messing with my whole system of existence.

I was perfectly happy to take my retinue of pills every day for all manner of maladies: pain pills for lower back excrutia, anti-anxieties for when the three-ring circus suddenly grows exponentially and takes up every corner of my brain, and fistfuls of ibuprofen because something, somewhere has a dull ache. These pills have just been sitting there, sadly, unused for over 2 weeks. I'm trying to be sad about that, but I'm too calm to care. 

Anyway, I'm not saying everyone should be over the moon about Bikram Yoga, because I like to be in classes where I don't know anyone. There's a whole wall of mirrors so you can watch yourself as you slowly turn into a puddle of water and compare how you're doing with those in the front row. (This part has the strange effect of turning this blissful experience into a competitive sort of thing...I WILL be as bendy as those jamokes.) You sweat like a competitive eater having his last hot dog right before he dies of a coronary, you fall out of poses in weird ways and your hair is a complete freak show by the time you're done. Of course, who cares? Because you're so blissed out from your calm mind the last 90 minutes, that as you walk to your car in your drippy wet, skin tight work-out clothes, with your hair looking a little like Eddie Murphy's Buckwheat, all you can think about is...nothing.
I bet he just did Bikram.

Try it out. If you've never had time where your mind has gone totally quiet, I highly recommend finding a way to do it. Your pills won't thank you for it, and neither will your late-night friends on Facebook, but you will. 

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