Friday, October 26, 2012

Such Wonderful Mistakes

It's so funny to me what happens in a day that creates something out of nothing. There wasn't a post last week, which I know made your life nigh unbearable; however, after the drama that was my non-emergent and totally satirical Vaguebook post...I was SPENT. I had nothing for today even! Then I heard a song on the radio.

First I should explain - I still listen to the radio. Like, actual radio without satellite, without subscription...just radio. Usually it's hippy dippy NPR. But today I was flipping through the channel presets and I heard a fantastically horrible song from the late 80's. And I had to listen to it all the way through because the memory it triggered was too near and dear to my heart to pass it by.

What I love at the very top of this is that had I been listening to an iPod, or to a subscription service like the kids are doing these days, I'd have missed this song. Because it's BAD. I mean, not Enya bad, but bad.... Okay it was Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" from the runaway hit album "Slippery When Wet." Apologies if you live and breathe by Bon Jovi. I did not then, nor do I now.

But my super adorable mother gave me Bon Jovi's cassette in my stocking for Christmas in 1987. Why on earth she thought that was appropriate is hilariously unknown to me. I remember her specifically sitting there on the floor, Japanese style with her hands together in her lap, a big anticipatory smile on her face. She was POSITIVE that I was going to be thrilled with my gift. so  much. But I told her I loved it because seriously. You don't murder your mother's soul on Christmas morning when she's so obviously proud of herself! After assuring her that I LOVED Bon Jovi, and no I most emphatically did not want to return the cassette to Columbia House, I put the tape in my room and possibly forgot about it forever.

Now it's 2012, and my mom has been gone for over 8 years and when that song came on the radio it made me think of her in such a wonderfully touching way. I laughed at her and me and the day. I remembered her smile and her healthy body and her loving face....especially I remembered what it felt like for a few moments to FEEL a mom's love. In my day to day life during the 8 years that she's been gone it's easy to forget what that feels like.

And finally we get to my point: every day I am so consumed with NOT making mistakes. I want to be perfect for my friends, for my children, for my spouse and family...everyone. It's important to me to get it right. Except that sometimes, in the NOT getting it right, we get it right. This perfect moment that came to me out of nowhere on a rainy Friday happened because my mom got it wrong. She missed the mark by fathoms. But why do I possibly care about that now?

Her mistake in 1987 brought happiness, laughter and a remembrance of her love 25 years later. I don't really think it can be considered a mistake by that standard. This string of thought I had, that I'm sharing with you, kind of feels like I get permission to be fallible, to make mistakes that might someday be cause for a smile or happy memory. The cliche that someday we'll laugh about things is true. So maybe give yourself a break every once in a while.

Because it might be the stuff of happiness later.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Wondering if it's all worth it....

Don't's rude.
I'm making some changes; I might just be done with it all. Those who really know me know what's going on, and everyone else should ask themselves why they don't. Of course I'll never understand people and so I'm left wondering what it all means, and if things will ever work out right.

I just need everyone's prayers right now. Private message me if you want to know the details, but let me be specific: I have a real hard time trusting someone's words when they become drastically different than their actions. In life, you should be able to depend on your family and friends, but I guess that's not true anymore. Why do we even bother? I might be done with it all. Did I mention that?

YES...that's right. This post brought to you today by "Vaguebooking." The latest and greatest in passive-aggressive Facebook posting wherein an author can stir up all sorts of intrigue and drama without sharing anything "too personal" on a public internet site. 

It's got its purpose, no doubt. When a person has painful urination due to vigorous activities without protection, they NEED a way to share that with 837 of their nearest and dearest without actually saying what's going on. In reality, their close friends will already know...and if you're one of the 837 who haven't actually spoken to your good friend with a dire need for penicillin, then maybe you need to A) be better friend or B) be thankful you're not. 

Vaguebooking is a powerful tool, used by people who need the thoughts and prayers but can't really share why everyone should direct valuable mental energy their way. God knows their hearts and everyone else can sit in judgement of them on their own time, because the Vaguebooker knows that people like that just aren't worth their time anymore. 

You  might be thinking, "I never signed up for this!" and if you are, why not post that right now on Facebook? It'll let everyone know that you're thinking *something* but you're just not willing to let it all out. After all, you have privacy standards. There certainly are times in life when only faith can get us through, and those are the times that I like best to publicly broadcast that I don't expect everything, but I need something. My good friends know what I mean, and they'll show up for me.

If you're going to ask me questions then you'd better be ready for some hard truths because I only have time for people who care. And also time for Vaguebooking, but that's really a service I provide.... At any rate, it's important to remember that if you mess with my family, this Lady Bug gets mean quick. It's all fun and games until someone forgets their place.

After all, Facebook is the place to share and reconnect. It's a wild ride for sure and sometimes you just have to throw your hands up, shake your head and wonder why. 

It's all good!

(PS- my real friends will recognize where I boldly plagiarized their exact comments from one personal Facebook thread dating September 24th, 2012. The rest of you can inbox me if you want details.)

(PPS- I will not be responding to any inbox messages asking for personal information. BACK OFF.)

** Addendum- Due to an overwhelming outpouring of support for me, I feel I should clarify:  I am making fun of the act of "Vaguebooking" which has been described as posting intentionally vague status updates. I am not suicidal or asking for help in any way here, except maybe to ask that everyone try hard to not Vaguebook. This entire post has been a joke. (Do you feel tricked? Quit Vaguebooking!!) 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Memoir of a Week

There are times in everyone's life when the Truth is laid bare. Sometimes they're called "crises," or "growing pains." You hear them referred to as "breakdowns" or "a-ha moments." Some people prefer their moments of Truth to occur shortly after great quantities of alcohol are consumed. Whatever. "The Truth will out," as Shakespeare told us.

And it's true. But you have to be listening and you have to be ready to hear it. 

I've been having Truth smack me square in the face for quite some time now. Not every day of course, but for the past two years or so there has been an incredible shift inside my brain and in my gut (or heart or whichever chakra floats your boat.) It's not been the most steady of times for me, though I admit most of it is really exciting. Every possible minute I feel like I'm being propelled TOWARDS something, even if I'm not entirely certain what it is. But there's this path which emerges just a bit more each week and I'm either to follow it or back track.

This week has been trying for my poor (white American girl) psyche. "Coincidences" lined up perfectly to shape a week that tested what I think of my current station:  I'm reading Paulo Coelho's novel The Alchemist, which is so far all about how to live while recognizing signs and signals concerning one's next steps. I had a very small moment of personal success and it was dazzling, and then I had a moment which showed me something about myself I don't particularly like. It was a very yin and yang sort of week. And if that's too woo-woo then it was a very "Good, Bad and Ugly" sort of week. 

When we're awake for our lives this can happen pretty often. I don't ascribe to the notion that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that every situation can have a purpose. The difference to me is that within a random universe we can make each moment count for something. We can learn whatever lesson is there to learn from even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant, instances.

So while I'm not trying to be vague on purpose, I hope I'm at least drawing a wide enough swath of situation to let you find yourself in it. Because it really applies to anyone. A new job, a new baby, a new relationship, the end of a relationship, a death, a move to a new city, retirement, a medical milestone or diagnosis...there are times in our lives when the Truth is laid bare and we need to know what to do with it. 

And while I have seen some Truths this week, I have no firm answer. I have only a few more feet on the path open to me. I'm standing here deciding which way I want to go. Last week we learned about Jhamak Kumari Ghimire and my final thought was that this voice inside me is trying to get louder. And I'm supposed to listen. I also read a short excerpt from a wise woman named Dr. Christiane Northrup and she says, "The woman...who is becoming the queen of herself, finds herself at a crossroads of life, torn between the old way she has always known and a new way she has just begun to dream of." That's me this fact, that's me these past two years.

You can be anyone and know this moment, without being a woman, without being in some cataclysmic moment in your life. It's simply the moment when you realize you're on the wrong path; when the better path is just starting to reveal itself and you're not sure what to do.

We're such complex creatures. We can be blazingly honest in the middle of a lie. We can be terribly insecure as we stand tall and shout our loudest. When our insides are twisted and we feel like flying apart at the seams we can still get up and show the world a face of cool and calm. We can do all this and still look around to compare ourselves to others who seem to have it all together. How do we know that we're walking train wrecks in our own lives and not see it in the people around us? How can we be so near sighted? 

The Truth, as I see it this week, is that we're all kids who got big. Not one of us feels like we're qualified to be the person everyone else sees. Although we are quite certain that everyone else is steady and sure, with all the answers, we know that we're the lost one. The only lost one who has none of the answers. I'm sure that every person reading this has had times in their lives when they've been the kid who showed up to the board meeting: out of place, under qualified and woefully unprepared. It really sucks.

But you know, here's the thing. It's all of us, every minute of every day and I forget that all the time. I forget that I am one of millions, not the only one. I forget constantly that the "best of" that everyone around me is showing the public is much, much different than the "blooper" footage they're keeping secret. We don't really need to see or know everyone's screw ups but it really is very important to remember that everyone has them. EVERY ONE.

No one you know truly has it all together. And sometimes we're really good at fooling even ourselves into believing the mirage. What's important is that you be willing to look closely when the veil is lifted, and be open to seeing the Truth as it is. Because that's the only way to move forward and to make this all count. I was told that simple things aren't always easy and I think that's a Truth. Maybe that's what ties us all up and keeps us under cover, believing the mirages people show us. We would rather have easy than simple. 

So my week beat me up. It tossed me high, it flung me low. I made mistakes, I had triumphs and for whatever reason my eyes were wide open for all of it. I am, perhaps, moving towards the simple over the easy. I like all things best when they're free from tangles and the heartache that tangles cause. Maybe that's where you are, too; whether it is time to let go of something or time to grab on to something new.

This is the Truth as my week showed it.