|I mean, how much more can I love Buddha? |
No more. It's not possible.
A few months ago I was in the happiest place on earth: a therapist's office. If you've never gone to therapy, you are seriously missing out on one of life's greatest joys. You can read more about how great therapy is >>here. At any rate, my wonderfully brilliant therapist assessed that I "use my dissatisfaction to create change." That may or may not have been used in one of these posts, without proper attribution, but I figure I've made it my own by now.
And I have. When I am dissatisfied with something I seek to change it, or at least to change how I think and feel about it. Some things I cannot change. I have to pay bills, I have to feed my children. HOW I go about doing that has been a matter of preference at some times, a matter of convenience at others, and also, of course, a matter of sheer obligatory necessity. I haven't always liked it.
Self-awareness is a relatively shitty thing. It's much easier to go about your day in ignorant bliss, having no clue that deep, deep inner desires are going unfulfilled. Sleep doesn't evade people whose heads are so far buried they can't see daylight. And if they don't care, I certainly don't care for them. But, you know....I AM self-aware. I am intimately connected to what it is I need from life, from spirituality, and from each mundane moment that make up the days and weeks and years of my life.
When it's not all going well, I find myself dissatisfied. And then I find I am called to action. So right now, I'm in a bit of a quandary, about which the specifics are pretty boring, even to me. But I'm at a crossroads again - which way do I go? The path I want to take isn't the "right" path. Remember those obligations? They seem to follow me around like a little lost puppy, and how am I denying sad puppy eyes?
But...then again....I want to take that other path. The one that lets me be all of me and live out some kind of idealized Virginia Woolfish, Susan Sontagish, Sylvia Plathish life...except without all the suicide and harm. Here's another thing my incredible therapist once said: We don't always have to find fulfillment in every aspect of our lives.
If we have one or two areas of our lives so ripe with happiness, so contentedly gratifying that we just know THIS is what it's all about, then we're good. Even if those moments are small, or fleeting. Even if we have to wait all day for them, and experience them just before sleep, or during sleep, or just when we wake. You see what I'm saying, yes?
Learning to let go of the desire that all things, every minute, should be the epitome of grandeur and completion allows us to fundamentally tap into the joy that waits for us in "our thing," whatever that is. For me, it's this. Right now. Typing words that someone may or may not read. I have no clue. It's not in the readership that my joy resides: it's in the writing.
Despite the fact that I can't type my own thoughts all day every day, doing it now is refilling the cup that empties out all day. And my dissatisfaction gave me this moment.
PS - sorry you had to get that moment, too....