Saturday, December 28, 2013

THE New Year

From the start you should know that I take the New Year quite seriously. It is LITERALLY a changing of the calendar. That I hang on my wall. And it's a whole new number I have to type out in the 4 places left where the date doesn't auto-populate. So yeah. It's a *pretty*big*deal.*

I have thought for a long time (20 minutes to be exact) about what I shall resolve to do in the year 2014. And here is my list, in order of importance:

1 - I will shave my legs at least weekly.


2 - There is a giant box of Pez dispensers somewhere in my attic. I'm going to find that box and bring it downstairs and then put it in the closet. Every time I open the closet I'm going to think, "I need to find some way to display those...because they're kind of cool." That's all I'm going to do.

3 - I will play Candy Crush more often.


4 - The desire for "work-life" balance will be all I talk about on every third Wednesday and on the 14th of every month. If by some strange Julian coincidence the third Wednesday falls on the 14th of a given month, I will attempt to discuss the merits of an electively gluten-free diet. I will have to explain that gluten does NOT give everyone explosive diarrhea, but that there are benefits to just choosing not to eat gluten. It's going to be hard. Because bread is AWESOME.
Hint: You DON'T store gluten-free bread. 
You throw it away.














5 - I will vacuum twice as often as I shave.


6 - Recognizing that the path to spiritual and self-enlightenment is never ending, I will make every attempt to stop judging other people's failures. I will focus more on *remembering* other people's failures to point them out during their successes. You know....to remind them of how far they've come. In this way, my own self and spiritual enlightenment will be increased. I think.



So that's it. I'm going to do those six things.

Usually I like to have odd numbers, but in 2014 I'm going to go for an even, since it's an even ending year and that has to mean something cosmic, or conspiratorial or must have something to do with the Lincoln/Kennedy connection. I leave that sort of thinking to the scholars, though.

They're practically the same person.